Find A Way Back To Your Heart
by Atsureki
Summary: YojiOmi Yoji dies as he saves Omi from a car accident but refuses to let go. Yoji's gonna go back, even if he has to break all of the rules to do so!
1. Prologue

Find A Way Back To Your Heart

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : They're not mine, let's just leave it at that shall we?

Warnings : OCC, shonen-ai, angst, death

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts.

Prologue

It was hard to breathe, even harder to stay awake but he had to keep on doing the things that seemed impossible. Like, crawling like staying awake, like breathing. No he wasn't crawling he was… he was slithering along the street on his belly like a snake. It was just so hard and it hurt so much. 

With a painfilled whimper he managed to move forward a few more inches. He didn't know where he was going and he didn't care at that moment. As long as he could get away from the agony that was his body. His eyes were clouded with tears that made it hard to see but he didn't dare to blink. If he did he wasn't sure he would be able to open his eyes again.

"Help me," he croaked and reached out his hand but there was no one there to help him. 

"Please someone help me." He was all alone, he had always been all alone, hadn't he? Trembling he touched his head and cried out. Something sticky was all over him and it was now starting to run down into his eyes messing up his vision even more. 

With all his will-power he managed to drag himself a little further down the street but he wouldn't be able to keep that up much longer. He just wanted to rest, sleep for a little while. No, he couldn't close his eyes. He didn't know why but he just couldn't. Stubbornly he forced himself to move again but the pain was killing him. 

"PLEASE!?" he called out with his voice hoarse and cracked. 

"Please." His pleadings became more quiet. 

"Please I don't want to die here." Tears flowed down his cheeks as he squirmed forward again. 

"Just please… It hurts so much…" Sobs shock his body and the pain doubled. 

"Why…" Coughs interrupted him and made him scream out in agony. 

"Why?" No one answered, no one cared. Black spots started to appear infront of his eyes as he clawed the asphalt in a feeble attempt to move forward. The pain made his stomach turn and he weakly heaved. There was nothing more to throw up, nothing more that could leave his body. The moon was shining and its pale light reflected itself in the trail of blood he left behind as he continued to slowly move along. 

He had to get help and he had to get it fast before it was too late. There should have been others there to help him but he was alone. His dazed brain didn't have any answers to his questions and he was too tired to really try to find any. All movements had stopped, eyes had closed. His breathing was shallow and his heartbeats almost none-existing. It felt like forever had past but it was actually just a few seconds, minutes perhaps. 

With all his might he managed to lift his head up from the pavement. Running forms approached him but he could barely make them out. A familier looking man almost fell down infront of him and yelled something. His eyes started to close again and he didn't fight to keep them open. 

"I'm sorry…" he whispered.

"Sorry? Please don't speak, the ambulance is on its way. Just hang on," the crouching man sobbed and dried something off of his forehead, something red.

"I'm sorry I… I couldn't let them… They… I love you…" He couldn't speak anymore, he could barely breathe.

"NO! Don't you dare die on me!" the familier voice yelled. "Please don't leave me, please…" He wanted to answer, he wanted to comfort but his brain had taken all it could, his body was giving up on everything. "I love you too so please stay with me." 

He wanted to stay, he really did but it hurt too much. Blackness was eating him and he didn't struggle. He just needed to get away from the pain, the torment. It felt like his body was being ripped apart slowly and he just couldn't stand it anymore. His heart went out to the man that cried hystericly as he begged him to stay. 

"You should have let them kill me instead… Please stay?" the pleading voice whimpered. _It's not your fault,_ he thought as he was pulled further into the darkness. _I wasn't suppose to live, I wasn't suppose to love you, I wasn't suppose to hurt you this much. Please forgive me?_

"It's too late," a second voice said gently.

"NO! Don't touch him! He's still here, it's not too late!"

"He's dead…"

"NO! NO, NO, NO, NO! He's NOT dead! Go away! I… I won't let him die." He couldn't hear them anymore, he wasn't there anymore. Everything was black, cold and empty now.

"It wasn't your fault," the gentle voice whispered.

"How can you say that? I… He… They…"

"It was an accident, it was nobody's fault." Strong arms tried to pull the crying man away from the dead body he clinged to. "He was just trying to protect you…" The soft words meant nothing. "Let go of him. He's gone."

"I can't, I can't let him go," the crouching man cried and hugged the body tighter. "I love him too much."

"I know you do but he's gone. Please come with me now. He wouldn't want you to stay here."

"NO! Don't take him away from me! Please don't take him from me…" Flashing lights painted the wet asphalt in blue as unknown men rushed towards the sceen. They could do nothing though, it was too late. Slowly they lifted up the dead man and placed him on a stretched before covering him with a blanket. 

Silence filled the dark street as a man gently lead his friend towards a car. A third one joined them. They were all crying, no one said a word. They had all lost a friend that night but one of them had lost so much more. One of them had lost his everything…

~TBC~


	2. Chapter 1 I Want To Go Back

Find A Way Back To Your Heart

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : They're not mine, let's just leave it at that shall we? I do however own Aslan, not that I'm so sure that's something to be proud of…. And the lyrics is from Back to your heart/Backstreet Boys.

Warnings : OCC, yaoi, angst, supernatural stuff.

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts or that little voice inside your head.

Chapter 1. I Want To Go Back

__

I turn back time  
To make you mine  
And find a way back to your heart  
I beg and plead  
Fall to my knees  
To find a way back to your heart

He frowned and wondered if he was awake. It felt like a dream but there was something strange about it. In his mind he saw the car. _The car? What car?_ he asked himself and the frowned deepened. It sped towards a man that was frozen, standing in the middle of the road. He screamed a name and rushed forward. 

With all his strenght he pushed the other man out of the way and turned just in time to be blinded by a sharp light. A loud crash echoed through the night and he went flying through the air. His head hit the pavement first and then his body followed with a sickening thud while the car disappeared. For a moment everything was silent, numb, then the pain came. He screamed but the sound he let out was choked.

The man he had rescued was lying on the other side of the street and he didn't move. He had to go to him, he loved him. So he started moving towards the body that had kept him warm during so many cold nights. It went slowly and the pain just kept on increasing. It didn't take long before he had forgotten where he was going and why he wanted to go there. 

His whole body was nothing but an inferno of agony and blood was trickling down his face, into his eyes blurring his vision along with the tears he cried. The man he knew he loved rose to his feet and came running towards him, behind him was two other men. They exchanged words that he couldn't hear nor remember and then everything went black and empty. 

Was it a dream? No, it didn't exactly feel like a dream, not a normal dream at least. So what was it then? _A memory,_ his mind suggested and he pondered that for a moment. But if that was true then he was… dead? Scared he snapped his eyes opened and looked around. The place where he was was black and still he could clearly see everything which was nothing really. It was so confusing, so strange and he just didn't understand.

"Welcome," a very soft voice suddenly said. It startled him. "You need not fear me my friend, I will not harm you in any way."

"Where am I?" he asked and glanced over his shoulder to where the voice came from. Whoever it was he wasn't human that much he understood.

"You are Inbetween my friend." Slowly he turned around to look at the 'creature'. It was a man, or at least male, and he was tall, slender, pale, beautiful but there was something very wrong with him. _Wings,_ he realized. The stranger had wings. It must be a dream then. "This is not a dream my friend."

"Where am I?" he asked again since he didn't understand the answer he had gotten.

"Inbetween." He was getting annoyed now so he glared at the stranger.

"Inbetween what?" he demanded to know and rose to his feet. His body felt strange, like it wasn't his own anymore.

"Inbetween life and what lies after," the creature answered softly.

"What kind of messed up dream is this? And what the hell are you suppose to be?"

"An angel my friend, did the wings not give me away?" The tone was slightly amused now. "You can call me Aslan."

"Aslan?" The angel smiled a little and came closer.

"A strange name I know but it was given to me so long ago. I know all of this is very confusing and scary but you will get used to it. Soon enough you will move on."

"Why am I here?!" he barked and backed away.

"Do you not remember? There was an accident and you died," Aslan answered softly. _Dead?_ No he couldn't be dead! He refused to be dead! What about… Damn he couldn't remember. There was someone he should go to, someone he loved. The images from the accident came back to him and he whimpered.

"NO! I can't leave him, he'll blame himself. I need to go back!" Aslan gave him a sad, sad smile.

"I am sorry my friend but I can not send you back. Your life is no more and he will be alright with time."

"What the hell do you know about that?!"

"More than you know my friend, much more than you know. You saved his life, gave yours to protect the one you love, you should be proud," Aslan mumbled quietly.

"Proud?! I'm dead and he'll think it's his fault! What's there to be proud of?" The angel tilted his head slightly and sighed.

"Death of a loved one is never easy but it is what fate deals us sometimes. He will learn to accept it."

"Is that how angels see human love? Like something you just get over with a shrug?! Fuck you! I need to go to him, I need to comfort him!" he yelled and glared at the winged man.

"I am sorry but you can not reach him anymore. He belongs to the living and you do not. Going back is against the rules."

"You can take you damn rules and shove them! I have to go back!" Aslan just shook his head. He felt something, a pull, a whisper or was it perhaps a need? "I… I can feel him," he croaked out and placed his hand over his heart.

"You two were soulmates you could always feel him inside but you can not go back to him now. It is not allowed." He gritted his teeth and fought the tears.

"I will NOT sit here and watch him suffer!"

"No you will not, where you are going you will not be able to see him at all, you will only be able to feel him inside your heart," Aslan said slowly and motioned towards a door. "We must go my friend, we can not linger here."

"I'm not going anywhere! I don't give a shit about your rules, I am not leaving him!" he said firmly and crossed his arms over his chest. "I love him!"

"I know you do but this is not helping him or yourself. Let it go my friend or he will not be able to either. The longer we linger here the more suffering you will bring upon your lover." The angel reached out but he dodge the hand.

"I told you, I'm not going anywhere! I'm willing to make a deal though." Aslan raised a perfect eyebrow and tilted his head slightly.

"A deal?" He nodded.

"Let me see for myself that he's alright, send me back. If he really is going to be okay with this then I'll come quietly, but if he's not you have to send me back as myself again." The winged man closed his eyes and he could hear whispering voices surround him.

"My friend I will make a deal with you. I will send you back as yourself but no one will remember who you are. To him his lover will not be you. If you can prove to me that he can not live without you then I will give you your life back along with the memories your lover is to lose," Aslan said with a frown and met his eyes.

"Deal!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*

He didn't know what to do, where to go anymore. His lover was gone, dead and the pain refused to let him rest even for a second. Sleeping was out of the question since it just gave him nightmares or even worse… nice dreams where he again was happy and safe in those arms. He had cried all the tears he had in him and still drops continued to slide down his cheeks. 

At first he had tried to find peace in his lover's room but the memories were even more vivid in there. All the nights he had spent there, secure in his lover's embrace, the distant ghostly sounds of their love-making. It was just too much to bear so he had gone to his own room to hide from reality. A sound made him turn around to looked at his friend.

"I… I'm worried about you," his friend said quietly and came closer. He ran a shaky hand through his hair and swallowed.

"I'm worried about me too," he mumbled and closed his eyes. It felt like someone had ripped his heart out. Not very strange since that was just what had happened.

"I wish I could help you."

"So do I, so do I, but no one can help me now." He wanted to crawl away from life but he was unable to move, unable to do anything at all. "Someone once told me that too much love is dangerous, that it'll kill you." His friend narrowed his eyes and shook his head.

"Don't talk like that, please. He wouldn't want you to." No one mentioned his lover's name around him because they knew he couldn't stand hearing it.

"He left me! He wasn't suppose to leave me, he was suppose to always be here!" The sadness mixed with anger and caused his eyes to burn. "I have nothing left here, he took it all with him, he didn't leave anything for me not even my heart."

"That's not true and you know it. Even if he took your heart with him he left his with you. You are so young don't…"

"Stop! Don't say anything more, please. You make it sound like I'm too young to feel like this!"

"I won't even try to understand your love but I know it was complete. I've never seen anything like it before. The two of you were like night and day, darkness and light, summer and winter. Opposites that complete each other," his friend said softly.

"Yes and we all know that night can't exist without day, darkness can't be without light nor can there be summer without winter. What does that tell you about me?" A strong hand was placed on his shoulder.

"Just cause someone dies it doesn't mean that they're not around anymore. He'll always be with you." A low whimper was heard and he threw himself in his friend's arms, crying hard.

"I want him back! I need him to hold me again, I need him to love me." His tears stung his already swollen eyes.

"He'll always love you, no matter where he might be." He let go and backed away, again angry.

"What does it matter if he loves me when he's not here? What does it matter if I live when I can't love him anymore?" he asked with his voice muffled.

"You give death too much power. Nothing can take away love except yourself and I know you still love him just like I know he still loves you. Give him a chance, a chance to find his way back to your heart."

~TBC~


	3. Chapter 2 Forgotten

Find A Way Back To Your Heart

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : They're not mine, let's just leave it at that shall we? 

Warnings : OCC, yaoi, angst, supernatural stuff.

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts or that little voice inside your head.

Chapter 2. Forgotten

He walked slowly and everything felt so strange, alien to him. It was almost as if he had been given a new body and now he was breaking it in much like he would have walked in a new pair of shoes. Each movement was awkward and weird. Muttering under his breath he stopped infront a window to take a look at himself. 

He looked the same. Same hair, same eyes, same face, same everything. _Well at least I don't look dead,_ he huffed to himself and started walking again. The memories were another thing that bothered him. He still couldn't remember everything and Aslan had refused to answer questions about it. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't remember his lover's name or what he looked like. A part of his mind suggested that it was all a part of Aslan's little game and he had to agree with it.

"Figures this wouldn't be easy," he muttered sourly and turned around a corner. At least he remembered his own name… He stopped dead in his tracks. 

"Fuck!" What the hell was his name again? A stream of curses floated out of his mouth. Annoyed he searched his pockets until he found his wallet. 

"Outsmarted you this time Aslan," he grinned and flipped it open. His name didn't exactly ring any bells but it wasn't unfamilier at least. Feeling quite pleased with himself he started walking again, heading towards the shop where he knew he would find his lover. 

He was thankful that his memories of the Koneko were intact or else he'd be in deep shit. It took him half an hour to find the flower shop and when he entered he had to push his way forward through the mass of girls that swamped the place. 

"Some things never change," he growled.

"BUY SOMETHING OR GET OUT!!" He flinched at the deep harsh voice and whipped his head around as the shop quickly lost the school-girls. The tall redhead that stood before him had violet eyes hard and cold as arctic ice.

"Aya." A second man appeared from the backroom and shook his head. "What are you yelling about?"

"Hn." the redhead almost snorted and stalked off to trim some flowers.

"Gomen, how can I help you?" It took a few moments before he understood that the brunette was talking to him.

"Huh? I… um…" He licked his lips and sighed. What the hell was he suppose to say? 'Hi, I'm looking for a man who's my lover and that I can't remember nor can he remember me?' The brunette just smiled at him and didn't seem to be bothered by his stupid answer.

"Just let me know if you need help."

"Thanks." 

He strolled around the shop trying to think of something intelligent. The brunette and the redhead were familier but he was sure that neither one of them was his lover which meant that there was another man in that house. But who? The bell above the door rang so he turned around. The sight almost floored him. 

That soft blonde hair, those huge blue eyes, now shadowed by sorrow, and that child-like face. _Omi._ The memories came back to him at once and they hurt. Omi looked sick, pale, defeated. _You were wrong Aslan, he's not fine without me,_ he sighed inside. His lover's blue eyes landed on him and for a brief moment recognition flew across them.

"Excuse me but are you here about the job?" the slender blonde asked. Even his voice had changed, instead of cheerful and energetic it was hollow and raspy.

"Eh um yeah."

"I'm Omi. I'll get Aya-kun for you. Sorry I didn't catch your name."

"Kudou, Kudou Yoji." His name obviously didn't ring any bells since the blonde didn't even flinch.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

There were things that made Yoji wonder just how much Aslan had done to get him back there. The job he had gotten at the Koneko was weird since the only reason they all worked there was to cover up their real job. Not to meantion the fact that he had been offered to live there too. But he had said no because he just couldn't stand moving back into his own room. The look on Omi's face when Aya suggested it had cut like a knife through the lanky blonde's heart. 

No one had said anything about him or rather the man he had used to be before he died. Ken was pretty much normal or at least anyone who didn't know the former soccer-player would have thought so but Yoji knew him better than that. The brunette was subdued and his brown eyes were shadowed by sadness. Aya on the other hand acted like nothing had happened and no one had expected anything else since it was Aya. 

But it was Omi that pained the lanky blonde beyond what should be possible. He looked so lost and as if every breath was pure agony. The Omi he had fallen in love with was gone. There were no more laughter, no more sparkling blue eyes, no more innocence, no more bouncing, no more happiness. Sometimes the little blonde just quickly left the shop without a word and didn't return for hours. 

Both Ken and Aya usually looked after him as he disappeared and it was then and only then Yoji could see that his death and the things surrounding it had affected the silent redhead. Emotions had never been Aya's style but when Omi really showed how badly he was doing the amethyst eyes softened and sadness flickered across them. 

To his surprise the lanky blonde realized that the one his lover sought comfort from was the redhead. Perhaps it shouldn't be such a surprise since they all knew that underneath the cold Aya-mask was someone who really cared about his team-mates and who desperatly wanted to protect them. 

Yoji glanced at Omi as he arranged some roses. His lover, or should that perhaps be former lover, was having a bad day and his eyes and form looked defeated. The shop was empty, except for the two of them, so he carefully approached the younger blonde.

"You okay Omi?" he asked softly and had to restrain himself from wrapping his arms around his lover. Shiny blue eyes met green.

"Hai, I'm fine Yoji-kun." _You never was very good at lying baby,_ the lanky blonde sighed to himself. Even though he had only been there for a week Omi had already started calling him Yoji-kun almost as if he knew that he should. But it hurt to hear his name fall from those lips, it hurt because the little blonde couldn't remember him or them.

"Listen, I know that you don't really remem…" Yoji kicked himself when he realized what he had almost said. "Eh I mean that you don't really know me but if you need to talk I'm here okay?" Tired and sad eyes looked at him and Omi forced a smile on his face.

"Thank you Yoji-kun but I don't really want to talk about it, it… I… he…" Tears started to fall and the lanky blonde felt his heart break. He just couldn't stand to see all that hurt and loss.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Omi was confused. The pain from his lover's death was tearing him apart and this stranger, this tall blonde was confusing him so much. It felt like he should know him but his mind drew blanks. Suddenly Yoji pulled him into his arms and Omi didn't struggle. He felt safe there, like he had been held by him before even though he knew for certain that he hadn't. 

Instead of trying to get away he just gave up. With a low cry he pressed himself against the older man and cried his heart out. Gentle hands stroke his hair and soft comforting words that sounded so familier were whispered into his ear. He didn't understand and he was too broken and tired to really care why this man felt so good.

"Yotan," Omi sobbed and buried his face in Yoji's shirt. 

It had been three months but the pain was still so freash so severe. He was scared, afraid that it would never go away, that the rest of his life would be filled with agony. His lover wasn't coming back, he understood that but he couldn't accept it, refused to. It wasn't fair that Yotan had been taken away from him, that he had been left behind.

"I'm so sorry Omi, please forgive me. I never meant to hurt you so much," the lanky blonde choked out and Omi froze. What was he talking about? 

Confused and uncomfortable he pushed himself away to stare into sad pools of green. Yoji looked just as devastated as he felt himself but why? He didn't know this man, this man didn't know him and knew nothing about his dead lover. With his heart racing and his feelings completely messed up Omi turned around and fled.

~TBC~

You might find it strange that Ken, Aya and Omi don't react on Yoji's name but Aslan is the reason for that. When Omi calls Yoji Yotan or even Yoji he won't even understand that it's the same name. I know that's really weird but that's the way Aslan made it. It will most likely be confusing but um hm well I'm a confused chick so… *sighs* Ja/Atsureki


	4. Chapter 3 Living In Reality

Find A Way Back To Your Heart

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : They're not mine, let's just leave it at that shall we? 

Warnings : OCC, yaoi, angst, supernatural stuff.

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts or that little voice inside your head.

Yoji is acting very strange here but please remember that he's lost someone he loves and he is actually dead. His mind is completely focused on Omi so some of the stuff he used to do is gone. Besides, I think we all know that it's more to him than his flirting playboy-ways ne?

Chapter 3. Living In Reality

Omi was avoiding him and it hurt. The deal he had made with Aslan said that he needed to show that the little blonde wasn't going to be fine without him but it was starting to feel like a bad idea. Yoji rubbed his tired eyes and hid them behind his shades like always. Omi was suffering, hurting so much and it felt like it was his fault. 

Aslan had told him that as long as he clinged to their love the shorter blonde wouldn't be able to let go either. Did that mean that he was the one who made his lover hurt so much? He felt like a selfish bastard. A month ago he had had Omi in his arms and he had ruined it all by babbling about how sorry he was, how he never had meant to hurt him so much.

"Baka," he snarled to himself and got a weird look from Ken. Why had he said those things? Omi didn't remember him, or rather he didn't know that he was Yoji, so his babbling had freaked the little blonde out completely.

"You okay?" Yoji turned to the brunette and managed a weak smile.

"No not really, but thanks for asking Ken." 

Even if Ken would have known that he was Yoji, Yotan, Balinese he would probably not have recognized his former team-mate. The lankly blonde acted nothing like the playboy he had used to be. He didn't flirt with the girls, he didn't smile or grin at everything and everybody and there was no playfullness in his green eyes. The only things he still kept up was his smoking and his obsession with his shades. 

Those shades kept the others from seeing the pain in his eyes just as they kept the black bags underneath them hidden. He slept badly, if he slept at all and even though he tried to ignore it Yoji knew that he was falling apart. His body and mind didn't care if he was dead, all they knew and cared about was that he was separated from the one he loved, Omi.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Ken asked softly and tilted his head slightly. _Good old Kenken, _Yoji almost smiled inside,_ always worrying about others._

"I… it's real complicated and I don't know if I can even explain it so you'd understand." The brunette frowned slightly.

"Try me." Yoji sighed. He really needed someone to talk to and Ken had always been a good listener.

"Okay…" He would have to change the story slightly but he decided to give it a try. "I was in an accident a while back and I… I was badly hurt. I… It…" Yoji wrecked his brain to come up with somehow to explain and lit a cigarette. "The person I love thinks I'm dead and he's suffering so much," the lanky blonde finally blurted out. Ken stared at him for a moment.

"What do you mean he thinks your dead? Haven't you seen him?" Yoji swallowed and was thankful that Ken hadn't questioned the fact that he had referred to the person as a he instead of a she. Sure he knew that the brunette had had no problems with accepting his and Omi's relationship but they had been good friends, brothers while now he was a stranger.

"Yeah I've seen him, several times actually," Yoji sighed before he could stop himself. _Damn!_ How was he suppose to explain that?

"So you have seen him? Then why does he still think you're dead?" _And people think you're dense Hidaka,_ the blonde almost chuckled inside.

"He doesn't remember me. I mean he knows that he had a lover but he doesn't understand, remember, that his lover is me. Am I making any sense at all?" Ken chewed on his lip for a while as he thought it through.

"Okay I think I understand. But that's not all is it?" the brunette asked and tilted his head.

"About a month ago I saw him and he was hurting so badly it just broke my heart. So I hugged him and tried to comfort him and… he started crying so hard. I couldn't help it, I said some things and it freaked him out and now he won't even look at me anymore," Yoji explained and fought against the urge to weep.

"You really love him don't you?" The soft question made the blonde wince slightly.

"I… Yeah. I don't know how it happened or exactly when but… I've never loved anyone like I love him. He always knew what I felt just by looking at me. He is or at least was my soulmate. Ken I don't know what to do without him, I'm not sure I can live without him." _I don't think I can't be dead without him either,_ Yoji added in his head. 

He felt a little embarrassed for telling Ken all about his problems. Before he died he would never even have considered it since he had been so focused on hiding behind his playboy-mask. But now he needed all the help he could get and he needed his friends more than ever. The brunette patted his shoulder and smiled slightly.

"Can't you just tell him the truth?" he asked quietly. _Like I haven't thought about that,_ Yoji sighed inside. But Aslan had said that if he did that the deal was off so it was out of the quiestion.

"How? To him I'm just a stranger, he doesn't know me anymore." _No one knows me anymore._

"I see. I'm sorry I can't help you Yoji but have faith. Love always finds a way, ne?"

"Hai but the question is can I find a way back to his heart. You know… A year and a half ago I would have laughed at or killed anyone who even suggested that I was anything but straight," the blonde sighed and pulled his hair back into a pony-tail. Why the hell had he said that? Yoji frowned at himself.

"Since when did love have anything to do with genders?" Ken wondered and smiled a little. "And besides, you can't help who you fall in love with."

"True, true. Sometimes I do wish that he'd never fallen in love with me though. It would have saved him a lot of pain. I was never suppose to love anyone! Hell I managed to not fall in love for years until it just smacked me straight in the face." The brunette laughed softly and again patted his shoulder.

"Love's like that. You can try to hide from it but sooner or later it'll find you."

"Yeah but love is dangerous Ken, very dangerous," Yoji said solemly. "Too much love is dangerous, it'll kill you, one way or another." 

A loud crash caused them both to jump. Behind them stood Omi with a shocked expression on his young face. The taller blonde swallowed. He had said that to Omi once, he had been half joking at the time but he had said exactly those words to him. And obviously the smaller blonde remembered that.

"Omi?" Ken asked with concern.

"You… How…"

"Are you okay Omi?" The brunette took his friend by the arm and observed his face.

"He… That's…" With a sob the little blonde ran away. Ken sighed and sadly shook his head.

"Omi isn't doing so well, he's had a very difficult time these last few months," the brunette explained when he saw the look on Yoji's face. "Actually you might understand how he feels. His lover was killed in a car-accident about 5 months ago."

"I know," the blonde mumbled and closed his eyes. "I know."

"Excuse me? I didn't hear what you said." Yoji swallowed and forced a small smile.

"Nothing, Ken, nothing."

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Omi ran into his room and slammed the door shut. With another sob he sat down with his back against the wall. How could that man have said the exact same thing that Yoji once had told him? It was so strange. For some reason he reminded Omi so much about his dead lover. The cigarettes he smoked were the same brand, the shades looked the same and he felt the same. He shook his head and buried his face in his hands.

"Why did you have to leave me Yotan?" the little blonde sobbed and closed his eyes. Was the pain in his heart ever going to fade? Again he wished that Yoji hadn't saved him, that the car would have killed him instead. But then if it had then the his lover would be where he was now. No, it was better this way, wasn't it?

"Omi," a deep quiet voice suddenly said. The little blonde looked up and found Aya standing infront of him. His older friend looked concerned and sad.

"Why won't it go away?" Omi asked with misery and tried to wipe away the tears. "Why won't it stop hurting?" The tall redhead pulled him to his feet and sighed.

"I don't know Omi, I don't know." Aya was always there for him and it had been a surprise that he found so much comfort in the silent stoic man. Omi fell forward and pressed himself against the redhead.

"Just make it stop Aya-kun, please make the pain stop!" Aya hugged the petit body and sighed deeply.

"I wish I could Omi, I really do but you have to believe that it'll get better with time," the redhead said softly and patted his back. Omi let out something between a huff and a chuckle. 

Time heals all wounds? Well he wasn't so sure time could heal this one. Even if Aya held him, talked to him he didn't understand him, know him the way Yoji had. His lover might have been very different, his opposite but they knew each other so well. They could tell what the other one was thinking or feeling almost before the other knew himself but that was gone now. He was alone and he hated it. 

Yoji had become his family, his security and now he was without that again. Sure Ken and Aya were his friends but he needed something more, something else. He needed his lover back. In his fantasy that might happen but Omi was living in reality. A reality where Yoji would forever be gone and he would always be alone, left behind. It was killing him inside and it made everything look so hopeless.

~TBC~

Poor little Omi *hugs him* And poor Yoji for having to watch it all without being able to do anything about it. Aslan is a mean angel is he not? I'm not so sure Yoji would actually tell Ken all that stuff but I think he needs to talk to someone and well he can't talk to Omi, and Aya strikes me as very unlikely, ne? 

And just how is Yoji suppose to prove to Aslan that Omi can't live without him? Isn't it already pretty evident? Maybe Yoji needs to have another little talk with that angel? Ja/Atsureki


	5. Chapter 4 Perception

Find A Way Back To Your Heart

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : They're not mine. Let's just leave it at that, shall we? 

Warnings : OCC, Yaoi, Angst, supernatural stuff.

Notes : Stuff written in _Italic_ are thoughts or that little voice inside your head.

Not that anyone cares but I seriously hate the word pyjamas! *ARGH* No matter how many times I type it I think I get the spelling wrong and have to look it up only to realize that it's spelled correctly but still looks weird. *mutters darkly* 

Chapter 4. Perception

The lanky glared at the snow that swirled around outside. He was NOT going to enjoy walking home in that. His eyes wandered from the window until the caught the sight of Omi. Yoji swallowed and felt how his heart pulled at him, pleaded that he'd move closer. 

He couldn't do that though, he wasn't allowed to. Omi wanted nothing to do with him, could barely stand to be in the same room as him anymore. The petit blonde sent out signals that confused Yoji to no end. Fear, dislike and anger he could understand but in those large blue eyes he could also see longing, sadness and strangely enough… love. 

That shouldn't be there though because Omi didn't know who he was. With a sigh the tall blonde dragged his eyes away from the young man who had used to be his lover and went back to staring into the snow. It was snowing even harder now and the wind had picked up. 

"I don't think you should go out in that," a voice said from behind and he jumped slightly.

"I'll be fine Ken," Yoji sighed and continued to watch the ground being covered in white. It wasn't like it was going to kill him after all. He let out a harsh laugh and wondered if he was going to start crying. 

When he was alive he had never felt this way, like he just wanted to break down and cry his heart out. He had always been cocky, driven and flirty but now… now he was just lost and lonely. 

"You haven't been fine since the day you walked through that door," Ken muttered and looked at him with one eyebrow raised, daring him to argue.

"It would probably have been better if I never had come back," Yoji sighed so quietly that the brunette didn't hear him. Brown eyes studied him for a long time and their owner seemed to be concentrating very hard.

"I can't put my finger on it and I don't know why I can't let it go… but there's something about you, the way you act, what you told me all those weeks ago, the way you look at Omi… You're hiding something Yoji," Ken suddenly said with his voice low and slightly annoyed. 

The blonde winced and stared at his friend and former team-mate. Ken wasn't suppose to think like that, was he?

"Uh, I don't know what you're talking about." The brunette snorted softly and frowned.

"I'm not the only one who noticed. Aya asked me about it the other night. And then there's this feeling I have that I know you even though both me and Aya agreed that we'd never seen you before that day. You remind me of someone." Yoji swallowed and blinked. "I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed but I will get to the bottom of this Yoji." Ken glared a little at him before he turned around and walked away. 

What the hell was that?! Aslan had said that they wouldn't know who he really was and still Ken was talking like he had a hunch. That couldn't be good? Yoji frowned and sighed deeply. What was going to happen if Ken figured out who he was? He didn't even want to know! The door opened and Yoji forced a smile on his tired face.

"How can I…" His words died out when he stared into a pair of eyes that he never had expected to see there, wished he had never seen in the first place.

"We need to talk my friend," the tall man said softly and set his almost white eyes on the blonde. "Things have gotten complicated."

"I haven't broken our deal Aslan!" Yoji said harshly and glanced over his shoulder. 

"No you have not but I did not count on these people to be so perceptive. The one called Ken is close to figuring out who you really are and his lover is not far behind." Green eyes widened.

"Lover? What lover?" Aslan smiled and shook his head.

"Ah so they are the perceptive ones I see. Did you not know that Ken and the man called Aya are lovers?" Yoji blinked. 

"You're kidding me, ne?"

"I am not. I guess you could say that your death brought them together. It is not unusual that a tragedy forces people to come clean about what they feel. Aya is a stubborn man but losing a dear friend gave him the final push needed. This is the way fate works my friend. Nothing ever happens without a reason. You could say that the man who killed you was born to do that, if he had not then Ken and Aya would never have found each other," Aslan explained as he watched the redhead scowl at a young girl who clung to his apron.

"Cute! Don't get me wrong I'm happy for them but fuck! The only way to get those two together was to kill me and destroy Omi in the process? Fuck that!" Yoji spat out with anger and glared at the angel.

"Life is not fair and neither is death. We are nothing more than pawns in the game of life my friend. Do you seriously think that you are the only one who ever felt that death wronged you?" The blonde snorted.

"I don't give a shit about others! The only one who counts here is Omi, he didn't deserve this!"

"No he did not but we cannot change that, at least we should not be able to." Yoji watched the angel for a long time before he spoke again.

"Well that doesn't matter, now does it? You've seen Omi and that should tell you that he's not going to be fine!" Aslan let out a low rumble of laughter as his strange eyes turned to meet Yoji's.

"Is that so? He does not know who you are, does he?" The blonde shook his head sadly. "And yet he is drawn to you, he is having feelings for you. That tells me that he will be alright, that he will move on." Aslan placed a slender hand on Yoji's shoulder before he turned around and left.

"Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw," Yoji muttered in anger and banged his fist against the wall. 

"A friend of yours?" a stoic voice said and the blonde jumped for the second time that day.

"Aya. Uh no, not really more like a… a major pain in my ass," Yoji answered dryly and scowled.

"Aa." Well at least Aya was the same charming man as always. "The wind's picking up." They both looked outside, where the snow was whipping everything in its way.

~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I really don't think you should go out in that," Ken said for the third time as they closed the shop. Yoji shrugged just like he had the other times. A little snow storm wouldn't stop him and besides, he really needed to get away from Omi, away from all the things he didn't have anymore. And wouldn't ever have again, according to Aslan. Damn angel! 

Yoji scowled. Couldn't Aslan see that there was something more to, whatever feelings it was Omi were having? The little blonde was in no way over his lover's death, Yoji could see it in his eyes, so this was something else. But what? Tiredly he rubbed his face. He needed to sleep on it.

"They're telling people to stay indoors," Aya said as he entered the shop, apron in his hand. "And the power will most likely go in a few hours." 

"Kuso! I better head out then," Yoji muttered and headed towards his coat.

"Not so fast!" 

"What Ken?" The brunette's stubborn eyes were locked on his face. "You're not going to let me go home, are you?" It wasn't really a question but Ken shook his head anyway and smiled a little.

"Ken's right, it could be dangerous. It's better that you just stay here, you can sleep in the empty bedroom upstairs," Aya said as he started to turn off the lights. "Ken can show you." 

__

Oh great, Yoji groaned inside, _now I have to sleep in my own fucking bedroom._ The last time he had slept there had been the night before the accident and then he had fallen asleep and woken up with Omi in his arms. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*

Aya had been right, the power was gone and the only light in Yoji's bedroom came from a candle. With the snow storm howling outside he paced back and forth. Sleeping was not really an option and he just wanted the night to be over. Yoji stopped and sadly looked at the bed where the ghostly memories of happier times lingered.

He could almost see Omi there, wide blue eyes glaced over with pleasure, skin damn from sweat, soft words of love whispered in sleepy murmures. That was all gone now. Yoji swallowed against the sobs that wanted to escape him. Someone had once told him that the bad memories weren't the ones that hurt to remember, it was the good ones. He had snorted at that but now he realized it was true. 

Wearily the lanky blonde sat down on the edge of the bed and lit a cigarette. 2 am and way too many hours left until the night would be gone and with it hopefully the storm. He needed to get the hell away from there! A deep sigh left him. Getting away was out of the question though, wasn't it? 

He was caught between a rock and a hard place. If he left he wouldn't get to see Omi and he needed that. If he stayed he would see his former lover but live with the sadness and despair in his eyes. It was a no win situation and soon enough he would be forced to leave forever. A quiet creak caused him to drop his forgotten cigarette and he grumbled softly as he bent down to pick it up. 

"Yotan." Yoji froze and his heart started beating like a drum. Very slowly he turned around and stared. Omi stood in the door way, cald in his pyjamas, eyes closed. He seemed to still be asleep. The short blonde shuffled his way inside and crawled into bed.

"Omi?" Yoji asked in confusion and watched his former lover reach out for him, frowning when he only struck bare sheets.

"Yotan I'm cold," he muttered groggily. "Warm me." Shocked and unable to stop himself Yoji slid inbetween the sheets. Immediately Omi snuggled up to him with a contented sigh and all Yoji could do was hug him and let the tears fall. The world really was a cruel place, even for a dead person as himself.

~TBC~

I have no idea where this is going anymore but we'll see… *sighs* Ja/Atsureki


End file.
